luvhmblonely's Blog

my grandaughter autumn turned 3 this past saturday, happy b"day baby girl!

and my son aaron & his girlfriend samatha are getting married tonight. congrats to them both!

this is a pic of my 3 grandsons that i havent seen since aug. of 07, close to 2 years and i miss them so very much!! i look at their pics everyday on my computer and wish they were closer to me but thats probally a wish i will never get. i am hoping that real soon they will at least get to visit and then if i have anything to say about it they will stay, maybe i can hog tie them while they are here!! so anyway i wanted to show them off, they are so special to me. of course all my grandkids are, but 5 of them out of state that makes them even more special to along with their moms.

yesterday was a really exhausting day at work. at the end of my day i am so tired that all i want to do is go home, check my emails and lay down for a nap! which i usually try not because if i take a nap it takes me forever to fall asleep when i go to bed. i know every job is hard and i know i dont have much experience with too many different jobs but for me being a cna is one of the hardest jobs i've ever had! your not only on your feet 7and a half hours a day but you also have the mental stress, it can be very stressful! everyday i work i walk anywhere from more than 10 thousand steps a day to over 13 thousand steps a day and let me tell you i feel it everyday! i love my job but sometimes you want to pull your hair out, and to do what i do you have to have alot of patience and i usually do but there are days that i just want to tell them all what they can do with their demands i have come to love all the people i take care of and im sad when they are gone but it is so hard some days.

the pic on my profile are my two girls who live in oregon, who i miss so very much. shannon on the left is my oldest daughter, she has 3 beautiful sons, and crystal on the right is my youngest daughter, she has 2 beautiful girls.

i just listened to a message on my phone from crystal, she called me last night at 12:15am to wish me a happy new year and i could tell she was very tearful. i feel so bad bc i wasnt up to talk to her, shes at work today so until i can talk to her i'll feel bad all day! God i miss them so much, i wont be able to see them for a few months bc we have to save money for plane tickets so it will probally be somewhre around may or june and thats such a long time from now. it just breaks my heart that they are so far away and i cant be there, you know i dont hardly ever cry but when it comes to my kids or my grandkids it sure dont take much for the tears to flow!

well another holiday without my 2 girls and my 5 grandkids. it was really hard, i miss them all so very much, i did talk to them a couple of times today but it sure isnt the same. and they sent me pics of each of the kids which really helped, and the girls sent me a pic of the two of them and i cried. but all in all it was a good christmas, my 2 sons were here with their better halfs and my grandaughter so i am thankful for them. its just that me and my girls were so close and it just wasnt the same. its been 2 years since i've seen my oldest daughter and my 3 grandsons on christmas and this is the first year that i havent seen my youngest daughter and her 2 girls, her youngest daughter who is 10 months old this is her first christmas so i've missed it too. i'm just really sad, i miss them all so very much. i am hoping to be seeing them maybe around may or the end of july, i have to stick around home the 9th of june because im gonna be a grandma again my sons is going to be a dad again. but come hell or high water my hubby and i are going to fly to oregon!

it has ben seen my oldest daughter and her 3 boys in 15 months, they moved to oregon. then my youngest daughter and her 2 girls moved to oregon with my oldest daughter this past aug. she wasnt going to stay but she met a guy and now shes up in the air about when shes coming back. i have been close to both of my girls and close to their kids too and when they left it broke my heart, everyday i miss them so much. anyway next april i hope we are going to somehow get the money together and fly to see them all and spent a few days with them. im really excited about seeing them but at the same time im not looking forward to the day that we have to leave to go back home, theres gonna be alot of crying going on. but anyway i talk to them pretty much everyday and that helps. so i have 2 daughters in another state, 5 grandkids, 2 sons still here and 1 grandaughter here plus i have another grand baby on the way, next july. so at least i do have family left here, i am happy about that.

i put in my 2 cents worth about how to improve experience project but guess nobody really likes it so guess i'll just keep my mouth shut. someone said they didnt want something like my space well thats not what i was saying, i dont see anything wrong with wanting to spice up your profile. so guess i'll just wait and see.

i just talked to my oldest daughter, i guess my youngest daughter is gonna have to dtay in oregon for a few months if not longer. she has a baby due in march and if she waits too long she wont be able to fly back home bc shes so close to her due date and as of right now theres no way to get any money together to get her home now. its just a screwed up mess, nothing is working out. i want both of my daughters home but from the way it looks neither one of them will be home any time too soon. i miss them all so much and im so lonely with them not here and there isnt a thing i can do about it.  me and the girls have always been so close and now they are thousands of miles away and the closest i can get to them or my grandkids are from a phone call. i just dont know if i can handle the next few months without them!

the next 5 days i have to give as much lovin to my grand daughters as i can, they r leaving this saturday for oregon. im gonna feel so lost, both of my girls gone and 5 grandkids gone too. i will have my sons daughter i'll get to see her, i love her with all my heart but i'll sure miss my other grandkids. i really do the boys i havent seen them it will be a year this thursday, and ive been in their lives from day one so its been really hard. my daughter told me before she left that she promised me she would get back to visit me in a couple of months but as i said its been almost a year now.

well as of this coming saturday my other daughter and her 2 girls will be flying to oregon to visit her sister. the only rreason shes going is to get away from the sperm donor, and i guess plus it will give her a chance to see her sister and nephews. gosh im gonna miss them, she'll probally be gone 2 to 3 months hopefully not longer. i havent seen her sister and my grandsons in a year now, i miss them really bad. i really dread going to the airport saturday morning, hope i can handle it.

well my daughter did it again, she moved back in with that stupid ass! in a way i wasnt suprised but yet i was and i was pretty mad about. i tried to talk her out of it bc i wanted her to be sure but after verything that went on the last few weeks i guess she thinks her whole family hates her anyway so she figured why not. and to top it all off she stared spotting blood and passing some small blood clots a few days ago. her doctor made her an appointment to have a ultra sound done yesterday at the hospital and everything is ok. shes 7 weeks and 3 days, her due date is march 10 and from the way the test looked the baby is fine, and we heard the heart beat and it was strong. her doctor also did blood work on her so hopefully the that will come out good too.

i just dont know about her, i know things have changed in the last year for her but if he would just leave her alone we know she could alot more with her life and take care of her self and the girls  but he makes her promises that  he never keeps and she believes him. i guess she wants to believe in him even though he has let her down over and over again. we just want whats best for her and the girls and that is to be happy and safe.

my husband and i went out of town this week end, he wanted to go to see a car race. which is fine with me. which is fine with me, because he really enjoys his cars! so anyway we got a motel room and since car stuff really isnt my thing and he understands that then im in the room on his laptop.thats ok with me but after hours of being on the web im getting kind of bored and lonely, which i know is my fault. im not complaining about being here im just actually getting tired of being on the pc, which isnt like me im always on my computer at home. guess im still upset with my daughter, i was talking to her on line earlier and she got mad at me and i havent heard from her since. thats one other rason we wanted to get out of town for the week end, everything thats going on with my kids is driving both of us nuts, we have actually talked about moving out of town because of everything. of course we would still worry about them but at least that way we wouldnt know whats going on in their lives. right now i wont move out of town, for a number of reasons but the thought has crossed my mind even more here lately. i love all my kids very much, i just wish they would get their crap together.

im not a very happy person right now, my daughters baby is 4 months old and she just found out shes between 4 and 5 weeks pregant by the same jerk!

my husband and i have been fighting this and even given in a few times but not anymore. my youngest daughter is seeing her baby daughters dad again, for the at least 6th time! they break up and a week or 2 later he worms his way back in her life again, by telling lies and sweet talking her and we have decided that this is it for us. i know that shes a big girl and she can make her choices but she does this over and over again, he treats her like shit, doesnt pay child support, has no job to pay cs, hes just nothing but a lazy ass hole who lives with his mommie and doesnt pay crap while he's doing so. he's just a loser, someone who will never amount to anything, so we've decided if this is what she wants for herself and her daughters then she can have him but she cant come back crying to us anymore, this is it for us. she has been living with us for about 7 maybe 8 months now, she use to be very responible, she had a job,she paid her bills and she had a nice place to live. but now she doesnt have a job, she doesnt pay her bills and something she would never of done before she's living with her mom and dad. ever since she met this loser she has changed, she just isnt the same daughter she was not even a year ago.

well she came home awhile ago and grabbed some blankets and pillows and left, guess i really did it this time now i've lost 2 daughters and 5 grand children! i was in my room watching tv well trying to, and just from the noise i heard i knew she wasnt staying here and the next thing i know she was driving her car away. well im not going to bow down to her, i love her and my grand daughters very much but i've given and given and all her and him do is take and dont give back. so guess i'll sit back and wait, and of course worry.

my daughter has been living with us since right before christmas last year, she was pregnant with a daughter and she has a girl 5 years old. she just got divorced and shes with the new babys father, which her and my  husband and i have had alot of problems with. they have broken up a number of times and then gotten back together, they really dont get along and they fight over little stuff, this has happened at least 6 timer in the last year. well my older son came over and him and her had words about her and her boyfriend and everything he said to her was true. they neither one work, he has had a number of jobs that he for some reason he cant keep, he has a 2 differnt jobs that he could of had and that he would work 5 days a week and make half way decent money and he didnt take either one of them. he works jobs that dont pay crap and then we find out that he calls in alot so he ended up quiting that job and working for a guy in construction except for if it rains he doesnt work or if the guy doesnt feel like working he doesnt. anyway its just a mess, her or him neither one will listen to me or her dad. actually i want to shake some since into my daughters head, she use to be a responsible person but she has really change since she met him.we just dont know what to do, we cant just throw her and the girls out. after all shes our daughter and those are our grandaughters i jsut wish she would get rid of her and our problem and be the same daughter she was a year ago.

i was gonna write about being with my co-worker yesterday when i was pretty hot but decided to wait till today when i was cooled down some. im sure that alot of people have run in's with a co-worker now and then but everyday that i work with this certain person its all i can do to keep my mouth shut to her! and the thing is i really do like her, its just that she is bossy, a know it all and she thinks things should be done her way! and we work really good together its just that sometimes i just want to tell her off, she also likes to nit pick about everything and she doesnt let it drop she has to complain alot! i've tried talking to the charge nurse about it but she just kind of blows me off and doesnt really say anything. i really dont want to open my mouth to her but i'm afraid one day i will, a person can just take so much. its bad enough that we have stress at work without her adding more on top of it.

i called my mom last night to wish her a happy mothers day and all i heard was crap about my brother and his family. they got her this and got her that and they went to the boat and my neice gratuated from college and she didnt feel like it but she went to her graduation even though she has turned down invites to go to her other family members celebrations. i really think thats so unfair to the rest of her family, this has been going on for years now and of course i have tried talking to her several times but i'm wrong and shes right and she doesnt treat anybody different! this is why i dont like calling my mom, all she talks about is my brother and his family and whats going on in their lifes and what they have done for her. i try really hard to let it go in one ear and out the other but sometimes its really hard to keep my mouth shut, i'm alot like her my mouth gets me in trouble! i know she will never change, i remember a time years ago that i was so close to my mom and dad, i ran my phone bill up hundreds of dollars bc i had to talk to them we would go to their house all the time and finally i couldn stand it any longer i just had to move closer to them. but the closenest starting separateing with us bc i seen the difference her and my dad made with my brother and his family and it really hurt! and it still hurts to this day, right now i live about an hour from her back then i lived about 3 hours from her and even though i know i should go see her more i dont. but it really isnt so much about how i feel about the difference she makes but right now we r having a hard time with the price of everything. i really love my mom but sometimes i wonder how much i really do mean to her.

i was at work the other day and the nurse asked me if i remember another nurse who use to work there and i said i did....she told me she wasnt sure but she heard that she passed away. i was so shocked! well later on that day she found out that she really did pass away...we also found out that she was only 39 years old and that she had 3 kids! i didnt know her that well bc she worked second shift and im on first but i had talked to her a few times and my daughter had worked with her at one point. i knew she had problems or i heard rumors about her having problems(drug related) but i dont think anybody really knew for sure....u know how rumors get started true or not. i hate it when people say things and they really dont know what the hell they are talking about cause saying things about someone is very hurtful! anyway ever since i found out well i guess it has haunted me, i guess cause i knew her and the fact that she was so young. it knid of scares me cause i know it can happen to anyone of any age, i mean someone told me that she was at home and she told her husband she didnt feel good and she went to lay down and he heard her making a weird noise and he called an ambulance but it was too late.  i was gonna ask at work if anyone payed their respects when she was layed out but knowing all the people up there im sure they didnt. anyway i know that none of us will be on this earth forever but this has made me think of dying alot more than before.     

i usally dont get upset with my husband bc he really is good to me, but last night i was. working at a nursing home just takes everything out of me and i do get up earlier for work than i have to. but yesterday afternoon i was exhausted and so sleepy that i layed on the couch and fell asleep, by the time i got up it was 6pm, i hadnt fixed supper which i had planned on earlier but with it being so late i just wanted to go to bed and for myself not even eating supper which i didnt. i thought he wouldnt mind just eating whatever which he has done many times before and never complained but this time he did, he told me i guess i'll go out to get a hamburger of the way he said it i knew he wasnt happy, he said he hadnt eaten all day. so i ended up fixing him something, but i did ask him why he didnt eat all day, he said he didnt take the time. like i told him thats his fault he didnt eat all day (when i work 99% of the time i never eat all day) i told him i was tired from working, all he did all day was fiddle fart around the house cutting grass on the riding lawn mower! thats hard work!